Archive for ‘January, 2013’

Trying to internalize this.

Note: I’m all about the simplicity of Yes and No, but what about the “Maybe” days? I guess if you have to answer anything but “Yes” then it’s not complete happiness, so “No” then?




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dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)
trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
honor the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding)
never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)


nothing like a cup of chamomile tea and cummings (and, consequently, no room for upper case letters) on a sunday night after a lively, hilarious weekend. about to dive for dreams under my eyelids myself. goodnight.

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Have you ever had scrambled eggs haunt your dreams?


That’s the one thing I’m missing the most right now: eggs. I’m a huge fan of eggs: as part of breakfast, boiled and sliced into lunch, or whenever it strikes my fancy. And I miss them. Last night, I had the most restful, sound sleep that I’ve had in a while: but the image of delicious eggs I’d normally whip up for breakfast was the last thing lingering in my mind before I drifted off.

The hardest part of this is at night. The mornings are wonderful: the fruit/veggie smoothie is divine. Even the lunch one, albeit bizarre, is doable. But I have such a strong mind-mouth connection around dinner time. I felt a little rat like, looking for small things to nibble on for the sensation of nibbling — of biting and ingesting anything solid. I PROMISE I’LL SPIT IT OUT IF I HAVE TO, JUST LET ME BITE SOME SOLID FOOD!  Sipping on my dinner smoothie was definitely the most challenging.

Okay okay, I will admit: the perks are starting to manifest. My body feels AMAZING. I’ve been trying to limit my exercise so I don’t get ravenously hungry and start attacking the fridge like a rabid panda, but I’ve been keeping up my yoga practice as I do most days: and I seriously feel bendier, more flexible, like I’m breathing deeper and moving deeper into every pose. It feels absolutely incredible. Placebo effect? Maybe. But I feel light, airy, and HAPPY during the day. I woke up this morning naturally without needing caffeine. AT 7 A.M…. that never happens. Ever. I’m already seeing the physical and mental benefits of feeding my body nothing except whole, organic fruit, veggies, nuts and antioxidants. Yum.

could do this all day

could do this all day

In between lunch and dinner, I took my dog for a walk and started feeling a little hungry in between. I’m normally a pretty active person, so my metabolism is a petulant, whiny child that kicks and screams if it doesn’t have something to digest every couple of hours. And while I was out there in the invigorating cold, running in the snow with Spike, I forced myself to sit on my favorite bench by the river and just….. sit. Sit with my hunger. Sit with my discomfort. And I couldn’t help thinking: How many people feel this way daily? Every hour? How many people have no clue if and from where their next meal will come? How many people call this hunger and discomfort “every day?”

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love thy carrot

love thy carrot

So, while I’m usually a pretty healthy, clean eater — it’s something my mom has instilled in me since my diaper days — I still have an Achilles heel for things like salty Chinese food, crème brulée, and slow-churned ice cream. I believe in the power of a glass or four of wine and a good book at the end of a long day. I believe in the power of a slice of Papa John’s pizza to make your drunken mind feel like you’ve struck gold when you sink your teeth into a slice at 3 a.m., huddled around a box with friends as if you’ve all just found the fountain of youth.

I’ve been keeping up my healthy eating for the most part ever since graduating from Colby, but I still wanted to reset my system at the beginning of a new year. Purge my system of toxins. Toxins that are even more prolific in everyday foods — even whole foods, not grown organically — than I’d imagined: this documentary affirmed my fears.

So I’m doing a three-day body detoxification: fruit, veggies, and green tea for three days.

Right now? I’m on day one. I just blended up a morning smoothie drink: almond butter, spinach, banana, raspberries, lemon and water. It’s actually surprisingly good. I’m a little nervous that I’m going to feel like a grass-eating cow by lunchtime, though– given the number of leafy greens going into that drink.

I’ve heard of people doing countless cleanses and stuff like this one — some of them actually super harmful and anathema to healthy eating — and I chose to do one that only incorporated whole, fresh foods that I had to prepare by myself. I didn’t want to do something pre-made because I still wanted to feel that connection of preparing a meal for myself out of freshly cooked, squeezed, chopped whole foods. So here goes nothing….

My mood’s pretty good so far, although I did feel a bit sad when I reflexively reached for the carton of eggs this morning and slowly put them back. I’ll be sure to keep you updated on how the next 72 hours go. Bonne chance to myself!

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I usually don’t make resolutions for the new year. If a thought process of mine results in resolving to do something in the form of aforementioned resolution, it usually isn’t coordinated with a new year. More often, I’ll bolt awake at 3 a.m. after listlessly ruminating on some nagging thought all through the night and think, I’m going to resolve to do things this way so this never bothers me again. Or, after straight up passing out on my bed, planking in zombie-hallucinatory state– after pulling an all nighter to squeeze out a term paper… as the last few drops of consciousness evaporate into slumber, I think, stop procrastinating FOREVER, you idiot.

So this time, I played along and wrote a letter to myself for what I actually wanted to “resolve” in my life. And I found that while there’s a lot of room for improvement, I’m actually doing okay on some of the usual suspects that pepper most people’s lists (get in better shape, eat healthier, sleep more, read more, work less, etc. etc…….) But I did actually write a few things down — and they coincided with the dawn of the new (apocalypse-proof) 2013. It’s a surprisingly long list, but here’s a glimpse of some at the top:

1. Consciously carve time to uphold these sage three syllables.

2. Hang out with the parents more. Not only would you literally not exist without them, but they have been the strong, oft-overlooked shoulders tirelessly bearing your weight under the scaffolding of your twenty two years. You’re so close to them that it’s hard to tell, but they are in fact getting older. Don’t treat them like lonely planets orbiting outside your social sphere. Sure, living at home after college can feel claustrophobic and altogether unbearable at times. But get to know them again, and things will be easier.

3. Less dilettante, more cognoscente. You’ve got lots of brain between your ears. Use it.

4. Learn from six-year-old Charlotte Bacon what you have spent the better part of two decades trying to internalize: there is only right now. Wear your new pink dress and boots, don’t save it for a special day that you assume you are entitled to — because another day is a luxury you might not be afforded. Life is so fragile. It is so fragile. Nothing belongs to you, except for the present moment. So live it.

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